He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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