trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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