Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
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