My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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