I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
