I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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