one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
