i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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