Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
