Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
