I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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