It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
