she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
