roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
