i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
