you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
