I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
