Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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