Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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