some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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