I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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