Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
