Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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