im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
