I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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