chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
