Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
