this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
