I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize