I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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