K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
