His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
