please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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