Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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