I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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