Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
