my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
