tell your sister to shave her snatch
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
