I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
