he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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