I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize