your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
