Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
