Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I met the friendliest cop last night
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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