i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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