I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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