He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
