I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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