Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
