I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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