I'm so fucking centered right now
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
