We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
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Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
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Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.