peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Dating After Heartbreak
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All the doctor said was why
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again