I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
