cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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