rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
