I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
