We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
