My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
