Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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